Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
