I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
