I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
