im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
