I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
