i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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