so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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