when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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