1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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