My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Still dying that you shit outside
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
