Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
