I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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