wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
