Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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