they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i came on her dog
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
