I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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