While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
