I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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