And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
