There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
