Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
