i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
