we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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