White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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