so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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