even my farts smell like vagina
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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