I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
