Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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