Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
