Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
