The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
