Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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