I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
