be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
