Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
