Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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