It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
