just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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