i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
