he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We need to rekindle our bromance
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
