Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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