Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
