so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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