Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
