Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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