just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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