Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
