The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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