Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
