I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
