can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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