Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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