i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
