i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
